Coffee & Change

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I love coffee. It’s just so good! I’m one of those people who starts looking forward to my morning cup when I’m heading to bed the night before. I drink my coffee after my routine of breathing treatments and the physical and respiratory therapy I have to do to keep my CF-self functioning. It feels like a reward for getting through the less pleasant parts of the morning.

I love everything about coffee–the smell, the taste, the warmth, and the deep, rich color. I even like the sounds my coffee pot makes while the coffee is brewing. I find them oddly comforting. Those of you who love coffee are nodding your head and saying, “Mmm-hmmm,” right now, aren’t you? And the rest of you probably think I’m a little crazy. ūüôā

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I love coffee memes!

This morning as I was drinking my strong, black brew, I was thinking about how coffee never changes. It’s one of those things I can count on each day. It’s a homey comfort and a fixed part my morning. It’s nice to have simple pleasures like coffee to ground me (no pun intended ūüėČ ).

In another area of my life, I’m in a period of change. Lucas is off to school full-time now, and beyond that, he’s becoming increasingly independent even when he is home. He demanded so much of my time and attention as a baby, toddler, and preschooler. He was a child who needed a lot of closeness and a great deal of attention to feel safe and comfortable in the world. Sometimes it worried me and sometimes Jaime and I both grew weary of it, but we felt strongly that his needs were legitimate and we should do our best to meet them. For five years, taking care of Lucas consumed a great deal of my time and energy. We learned early on with Lucas that developmentally, he did things in his own time. He didn’t always follow the same trajectory as other kids, but once he was ready for a particular milestone, it was as if a switch would flip, and all of a sudden he would be there.

This fall, the independence switch flipped. Suddenly he was comfortable (enough) in big, noisy groups. He was able to handle the chaos of a crowded school. He was happy to play independently for long stretches without having me within his sight. I was so busy with various things this fall that I didn’t feel the full impact of these changes, but I’m feeling them now. With the formidable germs that are on the loose this season, I’ve been keeping close to home, and no matter how many tasks I busy myself with, I’m feeling the emptiness of the house in a new way.

I was noticing last night that sometimes Lucas resists changes, too. Our treadmill is broken and Jaime and I were discussing what we might do if it can’t be fixed. Lucas told us that he was sad to think that we might have to get a different one, and hoped we could find the exact same one because he loves it so much. (That makes one of us that loves the treadmill!) It made me smile. I mean, Lucas obviously never uses it, but somehow he feels attached to it and doesn’t want to see it go. Maybe all those hours he spent down there in the basement with me while I walked or jogged on it are stuck in his memory. Maybe part of him doesn’t want to see those days over and done with either.

It’s hard to let go of the past sometimes. I longed for more freedom in the most intense years of Lucas’s early life, but now it almost feels as though I have too much. I’m not quite sure where to go from here. The abruptness of the change has left me feeling a little lost.

It’s comforting to know that God’s promises never change. Even as I’m adjusting to a different set of circumstances, I know that God has a purpose and a plan for me. James 1:17 says, “Every good and perfect gift is from above,¬†coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights,¬†who does not change¬†like shifting shadows.” We put the first part of that verse on Lucas’s birth announcement.

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Lucas was and is God’s perfect gift to us, and whatever God has in mind for me now that Lucas’s demands are lessening, that will be a perfect gift too. My job is to continue to trust God in the face of these changes. It doesn’t take me long to get anxious and fearful once I start trying to figure out my future. Peace comes from leaving it in God’s hands and knowing that he will provide for me no matter what comes, or doesn’t come. He will never leave me, and he will give strength for each new task. His plans are for good and not for evil, and he has promised me a hope and a future. Those wonderful promises are even more comforting than my morning coffee. ūüôā

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photo by Jess Marie Photography.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. ~Romans 15:13

 

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A Little Help From Aunt Sheri

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I was still in college when my sister Sheri gave me a gift. She had been a special education teacher for more than five years in a Michigan town before the stresses of the job combined with her CF struggles became too taxing on her body. The district in which she taught was a low-income area that housed a prison, and some of her students had parents or other relatives in that prison. The needs were great. Sheri’s heart was big and she was the perfect one to love and nurture these children while helping them learn.

Because her district didn’t have the resources that some wealthier areas have, Sheri invested a great deal of her own money and time into making¬†materials to use with her students. Her creativity really shone through in a lot of what she made, and when she left teaching, she brought some of it home with her. She gave it all to me while I was in college preparing for my own teaching career. I was able to use her creations in my own classrooms and later, with my tutoring students as well.

This fall I acquired a new student…an extra special young five named Lucas. At conferences, his teacher mentioned that he could use additional practice with fine motor activities such as¬†writing his letters and cutting. For several years now, Lucas has been asking when he would be old enough to be a tutoring student and this was the perfect opportunity to make extra practice at home exciting for him! I put together a program which included muscle strengthening and fine motor practice but also tasks I knew would be fun and easy for him to make it an enjoyable time for both of us. When I broke the news to him he was thrilled¬†and proud to be old enough to come to my office like a big kid. And I was excited too!¬†It’s been lots of fun to have these two loves of mine intersect. Lucas has¬†been an enthusiastic participant.

I was also excited to take¬†out some of Sheri’s creations that had been dormant for a while. I told Lucas all about how she had been a teacher and how she had made a lot of the tools we were using to learn. We keep a picture of her nearby while we work–a Christmas ornament she made with her students one year. I even found some fun animal pencils she and I had made together once and the cat pencil has become Lucas’s official tutoring pencil.

I wish that Lucas could have known Sheri and that she could have known him. Someday that wish will come true. But for now, I’m so grateful that she can still be part of his life, even in this small way, and that we can remember her together as we learn.

img_0985Lucas was one excited boy on the first day of tutoring! He even uses the outdoor entrance like my other students do. After all, he wants it to be official!

Coloring, cutting, matching, tracing. It’s all good.

Here we’re using some of Aunt Sheri’s materials! Lucas is holding her special pencil and ornament, working on more matching activities that she put together, and jumping on vinyl letters she cut out and labeled to blend sounds into words.

img_1535Today in tutoring we learned how to draw a cat. Perhaps Lucas didn’t inherit Sheri’s natural artistic abilities, but¬†I think they’re great and I know she would have liked them too. ūüôā

Sheri, thanks for the help! Your legacy lives on.

Supplies

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There is something exciting about this time of year. ¬†Summer is drawing to an end, school is starting, stores are filled with back to school clothes and supplies. ¬†Oh the school supplies! ¬†They call out to me. ¬†I can’t help but take a look to see what new, colorful and unnecessary yet wonderful wares are for sale at the start of every¬†year. ¬†I was at Target with Jaime just a few weeks ago and when I mentioned I needed to check out the school section (for my tutoring business, naturally), a groan¬†escaped the man’s lips. ¬†I guess spending a lengthy amount of time browsing in the supply section¬†wasn’t his idea of great time. ¬†What? ¬†Who doesn’t love school supplies?

Maybe¬†I’m a¬†little¬†over the top. ¬†I remember waiting eagerly for the supply list to arrive every August and poring over¬†it¬†as a child. ¬†The list often gave a hint as to what the teacher might be like. ¬†Did they require binders with dividers? ¬†Were folders okay? ¬†Were you allowed to use notebooks or did you have to have loose leaf paper? ¬†I remember feeling proud and excited¬†once I hit the age where¬†pens¬†made the list! ¬†I always loved going to school and it was thrilling to have fresh, new things to take along on the first day.

I was a classroom teacher for seven years before cystic fibrosis caused my health to take a turn.  I left my job because I felt I needed to be away from the constraints of a full time job and especially away from the germs in the elementary setting.  While I was employed by the school district I spent all but one year teaching special education in a program that involved both instructing students in my own classroom, usually for some combination of reading, writing, and math, and supporting students in their general education classrooms for content areas such as science and social studies.  I loved teaching, and every year, when my former colleagues head back to work, I feel a bit wistful, and not just for the school supplies.

I remember clearly the feeling leading up to the end of summer. ¬†I would simultaneously¬†lament the loss of summer freedoms and feel excited and exhilarated as I headed back to begin a new year. ¬†It’s nice to have a career where each year feels like a fresh start. ¬†There were always new ideas to try out, new technologies available, new decor in the classroom, and new students to meet. ¬†It was so much fun to go shopping, buy materials, and get all set up and ready for the students. ¬†Things look so bright and shiny on the first day of school. ¬†I would get there early, put a few finishing touches on the room, and wait. ¬†The busses would pull up, the kids would file off, and the building would suddenly become alive with energy and chatter. ¬†A new year!

I’m still a teacher even though I don’t work in a classroom anymore. ¬†In many ways, tutoring is much the same as teaching special education only it’s one on one instead of small group instruction. ¬†I get to foster relationships, target¬†specific areas of need, and¬†work on¬†coming up with creative ideas, resources, and strategies to meet educational goals. ¬†Tutoring is a bit more relaxed than teaching and there is more room for students to comfortably express themselves which I love. ¬†I don’t have to attend long meetings, write IEP goals, mark report cards, or keep binders full of documentation anymore. ¬†I don’t miss those things.

But there are things I miss. ¬†I miss my colleagues. ¬†It was fun to be part of a team of teachers, working together towards achieving¬†the same goals¬†of¬†educating children and trying hard to make a positive difference in their lives for the time they were under our care. ¬†I miss sharing daily life with those fellow workers and friends. ¬†I miss being employed by a¬†school district–being a part of a system that was working together for the greater good of the community and its families. ¬†I also miss¬†the classroom setting. ¬†There was something deeply¬†satisfying about smoothly running a special education room¬†that included¬†multiple grade levels, students with differing schedules and services, students with wildly different strengths and weaknesses. ¬†I miss teaching¬†groups of students–watching the dynamics between classmates, seeing relationships develop and blossom, observing the magic of children¬†learning from one another.

It has been¬†seven years since I resigned from my teaching job. ¬†I can hardly fathom that. ¬†When I left, I felt I had been teaching for so long, and now that amount of time has passed again in its entirety. ¬†Giving up my job¬†was very sad for me. ¬†It was hard to lose¬†a career¬†that I loved, that fulfilled me, and that gave me a¬†sense of purpose and a feeling of¬†security. ¬†I felt forced out by my my disease, strong armed by cystic fibrosis as it were. ¬†Initially I felt defeated–like cystic fibrosis won and I lost. ¬†Diseases do take. ¬†They take away¬†energy and strength, freedom, and sometimes dreams and aspirations. ¬†But God gives. ¬†The door closed on my classroom teaching career but God opened up new doors for me and gave me new things to do. ¬†He gave me many wonderful students to tutor. ¬†He gave me time to sleep, exercise, and focus on my health. ¬†He gave me volunteer activites to pour myself into. ¬†Four years after my resignation He gave me Lucas. ¬†Being his mother has been my favorite vocation thus far. ¬†Someday I’ll get to buy¬†school supplies for him.

I actually bought some school supplies this year. ¬†I couldn’t help it. ¬†Here is what Lucas got:

An adorable pencil case creature (orange, of course!).

And here is what I got (for my business!  I promise!):

Ah, fresh folders and notebooks.

Ah, fresh folders and notebooks.

Gotta love new markers and a clean marker board with lines!

Gotta love new markers and a clean marker board with lines!

These pens may have been a bit superfluous.  But I like to make colorful notes for myself!

These pens may have been a bit superfluous. But I like to make colorful notes for myself!

I still miss my old job, but I adore my new one. ¬†God is in the supplies business too. ¬†He has supplied all my needs–for a purpose, for vocation, for things to do, and for people to love and serve.