I love coffee. It’s just so good! I’m one of those people who starts looking forward to my morning cup when I’m heading to bed the night before. I drink my coffee after my routine of breathing treatments and the physical and respiratory therapy I have to do to keep my CF-self functioning. It feels like a reward for getting through the less pleasant parts of the morning.
I love everything about coffee–the smell, the taste, the warmth, and the deep, rich color. I even like the sounds my coffee pot makes while the coffee is brewing. I find them oddly comforting. Those of you who love coffee are nodding your head and saying, “Mmm-hmmm,” right now, aren’t you? And the rest of you probably think I’m a little crazy. 🙂
This morning as I was drinking my strong, black brew, I was thinking about how coffee never changes. It’s one of those things I can count on each day. It’s a homey comfort and a fixed part my morning. It’s nice to have simple pleasures like coffee to ground me (no pun intended 😉 ).
In another area of my life, I’m in a period of change. Lucas is off to school full-time now, and beyond that, he’s becoming increasingly independent even when he is home. He demanded so much of my time and attention as a baby, toddler, and preschooler. He was a child who needed a lot of closeness and a great deal of attention to feel safe and comfortable in the world. Sometimes it worried me and sometimes Jaime and I both grew weary of it, but we felt strongly that his needs were legitimate and we should do our best to meet them. For five years, taking care of Lucas consumed a great deal of my time and energy. We learned early on with Lucas that developmentally, he did things in his own time. He didn’t always follow the same trajectory as other kids, but once he was ready for a particular milestone, it was as if a switch would flip, and all of a sudden he would be there.
This fall, the independence switch flipped. Suddenly he was comfortable (enough) in big, noisy groups. He was able to handle the chaos of a crowded school. He was happy to play independently for long stretches without having me within his sight. I was so busy with various things this fall that I didn’t feel the full impact of these changes, but I’m feeling them now. With the formidable germs that are on the loose this season, I’ve been keeping close to home, and no matter how many tasks I busy myself with, I’m feeling the emptiness of the house in a new way.
I was noticing last night that sometimes Lucas resists changes, too. Our treadmill is broken and Jaime and I were discussing what we might do if it can’t be fixed. Lucas told us that he was sad to think that we might have to get a different one, and hoped we could find the exact same one because he loves it so much. (That makes one of us that loves the treadmill!) It made me smile. I mean, Lucas obviously never uses it, but somehow he feels attached to it and doesn’t want to see it go. Maybe all those hours he spent down there in the basement with me while I walked or jogged on it are stuck in his memory. Maybe part of him doesn’t want to see those days over and done with either.
It’s hard to let go of the past sometimes. I longed for more freedom in the most intense years of Lucas’s early life, but now it almost feels as though I have too much. I’m not quite sure where to go from here. The abruptness of the change has left me feeling a little lost.
It’s comforting to know that God’s promises never change. Even as I’m adjusting to a different set of circumstances, I know that God has a purpose and a plan for me. James 1:17 says, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” We put the first part of that verse on Lucas’s birth announcement.
Lucas was and is God’s perfect gift to us, and whatever God has in mind for me now that Lucas’s demands are lessening, that will be a perfect gift too. My job is to continue to trust God in the face of these changes. It doesn’t take me long to get anxious and fearful once I start trying to figure out my future. Peace comes from leaving it in God’s hands and knowing that he will provide for me no matter what comes, or doesn’t come. He will never leave me, and he will give strength for each new task. His plans are for good and not for evil, and he has promised me a hope and a future. Those wonderful promises are even more comforting than my morning coffee. 🙂
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. ~Romans 15:13