Living in the Shadow

Standard

This summer has been such a mixed bag. There have been many great things about it. I love the more relaxed pace of the afternoons and long evenings. Last night after dinner the three of us headed down to the park so Jaime and Lucas could play soccer and I sat on a park bench watching them run and laugh and enjoy their health and freedom. It was heavenly.

img_2606

Run like the wind, boys!

I’ve loved the lazy mornings and the long bike rides and eating breakfast at 11am. I’ve loved the swimming and biking and playdates. Sometimes I think I never want summer to end.

This, however, is the most I’ve ever struggled with my CF in the summertime if I’m remembering right. It’s as if my lungs have forgotten that this is supposed to be my healthiest, most carefree time of the year. Instead I spent most of the month of June on a some combination of IV antibiotics, oral antibiotics and steroids. I had the month of July “off” but struggled through a particularly challenging adjustment period. Once I was through the adjustment phase I was dismayed to find that my lung function had dropped back down five points and after consulting my doctor, we began a round of oral antibiotics at the start of this month. They didn’t seem to be cutting it so last week I started a burst of steroids as well. I can’t find my footing and my lung function is stubbornly refusing to climb back up, even while on the medications. It’s been incredibly disheartening.

My emotions have taken a pretty hard hit, and that has perhaps been the hardest part of this summer. Just three short months ago I was flying high. I was so relieved and excited to have gotten through the winter relatively unscathed for the first time in several years. My heart was brimming with hope and thankfulness. I thought I had finally regained the strength and stability I’d been laboring towards for the past two years and I fully expected to continue to gain health and strength through the summer months. Suddenly I could imagine things for myself that I barely dared to hope for during some of the hardest moments of the past two years. I thought that after jumping hurdle after hurdle I’d finally reached my goal. Yet here I am, no better off than I was two years ago. Back to the beginning again. I imagined blue skies and puffy white clouds, and instead the skies have been dark and the storm clouds menacing.

And it hurts. Dreams are threatening to slip away forever. The hope, the joy, the anticipation I felt last spring seems like some sort of cruel joke now. I feel betrayed. Was I a fool for expecting those clear skies?

I know that in these hard times, the only thing that keeps me from sliding into an abyss of despair and bitterness is my hope and trust in God. But the truth is, it can be very hard to trust God in times like this. As humans it’s our natural tendency to assign blame when things go wrong. It makes us feel like we have some control over our destiny. So in these circumstances, when there’s nowhere to point the finger, sometimes I find myself wanting to blame God. Is God responsible for my current state of health? No, I don’t believe that. But part of me wants to be angry that after filling my heart with hope and joy this spring, He didn’t stop the events of this summer from happening. Why.  Why?

I recently re-read the book Disappointment with God by Philip Yancey. If you haven’t read it, you really should. It’s an open, honest book that explores the questions many of us are hesitant to voice aloud–questions of God’s fairness and accessibility and why He doesn’t consistently swoop in to prevent our hurts–why evil and disease and death seem to have free rein in this world. In one chapter, Yancey discusses Job, specifically The Wager at the beginning of the book, where Satan asserts that we humans are not really free. He argues that we only love God because of what He does for us; that we only love him because of His blessings. As the story goes, Satan is proved wrong by the life of Job, who amidst a staggering amount of suffering, still clings, even if by a thread, to his hope and trust in God.

Satan denied that human beings are truly free.  We have freedom to descend, of course–Adam and all his descendants proved that. But freedom to ascend, to believe God for no other reason than, well…for no reason at all? Can a person believe even when God appears to him as an enemy?…When tragedy strikes, we will live in shadow, unaware of what is transpiring in the unseen world. The drama that Job lived through will then replicate itself in our individual lives…Will we trust God? Job teaches us that at the moment when faith is hardest and least likely, then faith is most needed. His struggle presents a glimpse of what the Bible elsewhere spells out in detail: the remarkable truth that our choices matter, not just to us and our own destiny but, amazingly, to God himself and the universe he rules.” Philip Yancey, Disappointment with God, p. 192-193

I don’t know why God is allowing these struggles in my life right now. Part of my healing is simply acknowledging that and admitting how frustrated and angry and hurt I feel. The next step is making the choice to have faith and to trust God. These feelings of faith and trust can be impossible to muster up on my own. That’s where I turn to the example of the man in Mark 9 who sought healing for his son. He acknowledged his doubt and asked Jesus to help him to believe. Similarly, the disciples asked Jesus to increase their faith in Luke 17. I imagine that Jesus was pleased with those requests. God is not surprised nor do I think He is disappointed with my angry feelings.  He’s my father, after all, and He understands hurt and pain. I think it makes Him angry too. I may be living in the shadow now, unaware of what is transpiring in the unseen world, and unaware of how this will all work out. But I am never in the shadow alone and my response matters. And so even though my heart is broken and wants stay locked up tight, I ask God to give me faith–faith to believe that He is trustworthy and that He will provide whatever it is I need. Faith that He will complete the work He has started in me and that His plan for me is good. I ask Him to open up my heart so that He can fill it with peace, and then hope and joy again.

VenturaFamily-1

Photo by Joyce Gan Photography

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Six Years Old

Standard

Happy Birthday to our sweet boy Lucas! I have to say, I loved five. What a great age it was and what a nice year we had! Lucas has changed so much over the past year. I suppose that happens every year, but at age six, he seems so much older and more mature than he did a  year ago. That’s not to say he still isn’t unreasonable at times, and he’s definitely still stubborn, but he’s taking many steps towards being more flexible and more independent. *Happy sigh.

I peeked back to the last few years’ birthday posts to read what Lucas was up to at those times, and it seems as he gets older, his interests are staying more consistent. There’s more crossover from last year than any other year, but of course he’s into new things too.  Every child is special and unique, and here’s some of what makes our little boy tick!

  • Lucas favorites:
    • Color: ORANGE! 
    • Food: a three-way tie between grilled cheese sandwiches, chicken quesadillas, and tacos
    • Animal: cats and chickens
    • Book: The Scrambled States of America by Laurie Keller
    • Movie: Inside Out
    • TV Show: Wild Kratts
    • Sport: soccer
    • Song: Time by the Black Lips

 

  • Deer signs. Oh, deer signs. Lucas’s infatuation with deer crossing signs was just getting started a year ago and now it’s turned into a full-fledge adoration. He used to just like to see the four deer signs that are within a mile of our house, but now we actually go on deer sign hunts where we drive around remote places looking for more. He called them “Deer Sign Adventures.” The record is 16 deer signs in one adventure. He knows where each deer sign he’s ever seen is located and can show you on a map.
img_0769

We have deer signs at home too, because as you can see, we have problems with deer in these parts.

  • Speaking of maps, he loves maps and roads and has an impressive internal compass. One of his favorite apps on the iPad is the maps app where he can look at all the roads in the city where we live to see how we get places and zoom out to figure out various routes to further destinations. Sometimes while we’re he’ll ask me randomly, “Mommy, why are we going south?” True confession, if it weren’t for the compass on my dashboard, I wouldn’t know if he was right or wrong half the time. (He’s almost always right). When Aunt Julie was here, he successfully guided her to his favorite bakery two cities over with the proper road names and directions. When Aunt Tina was dropping him off at home and ran into construction, he decided the marked detour was a bad idea and gave her directions to get around it a different way. He regularly draws maps of our neighborhood. He builds road systems on the floor complete with street signs. Even the grout lines in our entryway are roads, sometimes with construction, so watch where you step.
img_1658

There was a baaaad traffic jam in the city on this day!

  • A new hobby for Lucas this year is geography. He spent many months poring over our globe learning the continents and various countries. For a while he really wanted to take a trip to China and was convinced we were headed there any day now. I got the book The Scrambled States of America by Laurie Keller which then shifted his attention more to the U.S. He knows the names and shapes all 50 states. He is constantly noticing things that remind him of one state or another. He told me last week that our backyard is shaped like Nevada and he was delighted to discover he had a potato chip that looked just like Vermont! His favorite states are Minnesota, California, Tennessee and of course Michigan.
  • Lucas has also gotten into calendars and dates this year. He paged through and learned the months and figured out how the days and dates work. He stole my calendar and wrote all his farm animals’ birthdays on it. He has a great memory for what he considers important dates. The other day when we were talking about how much he had loved his Young Fives class, he reminded me that he had one bad day, on May 19th. He also remembers that his buddy Greyson came with me to pick him up from school. “Remember Mommy? On April 26?”
img_1664

Adding “Friendly’s” birthday to the calendar

  • Soccer is a huge love in Lucas’s life right now. He played on his first team this past spring.

We have been playing all summer in the house and in the yard. He also loves watching soccer on TV with his dad and even got to go to Maryland with his dad and grandpa in July to see his favorite team, Manchester United!

img_9250

He also loves Detroit City FC and went to most of their games this season–mostly with Jaime but sometimes with me and once with his best friend, Elliot. When we play soccer at home he pretends to be his favorite player from Detroit City, #32, Elijah Rice.

  • Lucas still has a great imagination and it’s so fun to hear him playing! He still loves to play with his farm, although more often than not, he’s conducting a soccer game at the farm with his animals these days. The teams that most often face off are Manchester Barnyard and Chelnsea (don’t forget to pronounce the “n” because this is obviously a different team than Chelsea!) He sings all the songs and does all the chants he knows from the Detroit City games. He also sings the national anthem…or something resembling it with lots of mumbling and confusing phrases like, “as the twilight lost beaning.” When I suggested to him that I could teach him the actual words, he informed me that this was a different song that they sing in pretend life.
img_2458

Manchester Barnyard vs. Chelnsea!

His imagination extends beyond farms and soccer too. He constructed a pretty elaborate “Headquarters” from the movie Inside Out and puts on different “movies” he makes up with those characters for my viewing pleasure.

img_2518

Headquarters complete with the console, memory spheres, emotions, and mind manuals.

He still likes to sing and has taken to using a Ziploc bag top as a “progress bar” so we know how much longer we have in the song.

He finds creative ways to act out his favorite stories.

img_1759

Acting out the scrambled part of Scrambled States

I love all these things that make Lucas the special little boy he is! But my favorite is still all the affectionate hugs, kisses, and I love yous.

img_2561

Happy, happy birthday Little One. We love you a billion.