A Clean Window Perspective

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I love summer. It’s my favorite season.  I could do without the humidity, but I love being outside, I feel at my healthiest in the summer, and I love the plethora of activities that warm weather offers.

As you may have read before, I am also one of those weirdos who actually likes yard work, and there’s plenty of that around during this season. In spite of my lung-limiting CF, I enjoy the physical aspect of working outside and I love how a little elbow grease can transform a space in a relatively short period of time. Last year Lucas got me back into gardening and I have enjoyed having flowers to care for again, and now a few vegetable patches and pots too.

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My flowers are gorgeous this year!

Last weekend, my parents came for a visit and my dad helped me get a few of the outside windows cleaned up. There were some big messes that I couldn’t reach due to our friend Bondo Bird and his springtime attempts to break into our bedrooms. My mom was remarking how clean windows can make such a big difference on outlook. Suddenly the world seems bright and clean and full of possibility. I blame those clean windows and my fresh, new outlook on what happened next.

After my parents left, Jaime and I were admiring the sparkling glass when I began to see more clearly what an eyesore the east side of our house was. We have a huge tree on that side which prevents anything but moss and weeds from growing.  Several years back we tried to plant a few things but they mostly died out. At the base of the tree, tons of stubborn, woody weeds were surrounding the trunk. I started to get some ideas about transforming the space, and Jaime remarked that we could spend a few hours out there over the weekend and clean it up a bit if I wanted.

Sunday dawned and that side of the house was on my mind. In the afternoon, Jaime and Lucas headed out to run a few errands and I went out there to measure an area for our compost bins, thinking that Jaime could pick up a few concrete squares while he was out. It was a nice day and the area was shaded, so I decided I’d get started pulling a few weeds. Man oh man, it was hard. I had to throw all of my body weight behind much of what I was pulling out.  We are having a dry spell here in Michigan and the weeds had anchored themselves deeply in the hard soil. A bit later, Jaime and Lucas returned.  Jaime helped me put the concrete blocks down and then he and Lucas left for a soccer game they were attending in town.  Once the vast majority of the weeds were pulled and dug out, I went inside to eat dinner and make a few phone calls.

I probably should have stopped then, but after dinner, I figured I’d go out for just a few more minutes and get started on an idea I had earlier since Jaime and Lucas weren’t around. We have rocks in various places around the yard from past landscaping, and I thought I could use them to edge a flower bed that would improve the look of the area. So I began prying the rocks out of the ground, pulling them over with Lucas’s orange snow sled. I needed to dig a shallow trench to hold the rocks, and I tested it out to see how difficult it would be. That hard earth got in my way again and I had to jump on the shovel to break through it. I got into a rhythm. The area was longer than I realized (30 feet long and 4 feet out from the house), so I needed lots of rocks. I went into the back to gather more. Minutes turned into hours. I was absorbed and happy.

I was finishing up the edging and moving a few lilies over when the boys arrived home. Lucas helped transplant and water in the flowers. I finished up a few last details and surveyed my work.  I really wish I had taken a before picture. It’s just that when I got started, I had no intention of formulating and executing the entire plan. I was pretty thrilled with the end result though!

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A pretty nice flower bed! (Notice those sparkling windows in the background…)

It wasn’t until I went into the house that I realized how long I had been working. The boys left for the grocery store at around 2:00, and I finished up the job around 9:30. I took about an hour to eat dinner and make some phone calls, so all in all, I think I worked about 6.5 hours on this job. I checked my Fitbit and was shocked to see I had logged 16,000 steps and 7 miles for the day, an all-time high for me. At first I felt pretty elated! After all, the area looks about a million times better and I felt healthy and strong the whole time I was out there. It wasn’t as though I felt tired and pushed through the exhaustion, I actually felt strong the whole time.  Then I started to get nervous. Six plus hours of manual labor was probably over-doing it. I was so high on adrenaline and enthused by the progress that it never once occurred to me that I should stop. Oops.

I showered, did my night treatments and got into bed. Then I felt it. A sore throat. I figured it was probably from allergies but it still scared me a little bit. And my muscles were starting to talk to me about what I had put them through. Apparently my legs were opposed to hours of crouching and my neck and back had a few things to say about the weed pulling and rock prying. What was I thinking?! Oh right, I wasn’t thinking. I let myself be controlled by the possibilities and the progress I was making. I was caught up in my clean window perspective and I forgot all about my limitations.

This isn’t the first time this has happened, but it’s the first time in a while. I’ve been much more attentive to my body lately as my CF has pushed its way to the forefront of my life. When I was younger and healthier, this was the way I completed home projects all the time.  I would work and work like a crazy person because I love to get things done. I’m impatient for the end result. I would still operate this way if I could. I think subconsciously I want to forget that I have cystic fibrosis and live life the way I used to sometimes, even if it’s just for an afternoon. The girl I am in my head often doesn’t match the girl I am in a body affected by CF.

The next day was July 4th and I felt surprisingly fine through our family barbecue and pool party. I was tired, but a normal level of tired. July 5th dawned and it hit me. I was so sore that every movement hurt and all day long I was sooo sluggish.

It’s been a week now and I’m fully recovered from that afternoon. I know I need to pay closer attention to my body, but I can’t say I regret what I did. The east side of the house looks great, and I feel proud to have fixed it up all on my own. Forgetting all about my cystic fibrosis for an afternoon–that was pretty great too. It was nice to just live, and work, and accomplish, and be. It was nice to ignore the can’ts and don’ts and shouldn’ts. It was great to experience that energy and stamina again, however short-term. Sometimes I feel like CF has taken away so much of my vitality. But last weekend I was reminded that it’s still there, even if it’s been subdued by this disease. It was good to remember that although my body is weak at times, there’s still plenty of strength there too.  That’s what a clean window perspective will do.

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One thought on “A Clean Window Perspective

  1. Inhaling Hope

    We are soul cysters! Summer is my favorite time of year and yard work brings me so much joy! I also relate to getting lost in projects as the hours tick by and then dealing with the repercussions of a body worked a little beyond it’s preference. Your flowers look amazing! I have had a vegetable garden for 6 years or so, but just started getting into flowers this year. I would love to have a flower garden half as beautiful as yours! It looks amazing. I am glad your health is in a spot that you can do things that bring you joy. ❤

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