Bondo’s Song

Standard

The neighbors who live directly behind us are bird enthusaists.  They have several bird feeders in their yard along with a large bird bath. I see many different types of birds–finches, robins, cardinals, woodpeckers, blue jays and others that come to eat and splash in their little oasis. The neighbors keep their feeders filled and the bird (and squirrel) populations well-fed. It’s nice for us because we get to see all the beautiful birds and hear their cheery songs without any effort on our part.

This spring, one of the birds that has taken up residence in our adjoining backyards is a robin Lucas calls “Bondo.” Bondo must have a few loose screws. For the past several weeks, that bird has been flying into our bedroom windows upstairs, trying to get into the house.  He will perch on a nearby branch and then make 5-10 attempts to get in, banging and flapping against the window and making  a mess of it.  Then he’ll go back to his perch to rest and to sing his song before starting up again. We’ve tried a few different things to get him to stop but so far nothing has worked. Lucas has told me on multiple occasions that someone needs to help that bird.  If only we knew how!

In my current situation, I feel just like Bondo. I’m looking ahead and I can see the place I want to be.  For me it’s the place of normalcy–renewed health and strength, freedom from the bonds of constant illness, freedom from additional medications, and a return to my normal life and activities. I can see it and I move towards it…I’m almost there…boom! I slam into a wall.  A virus. Then a secondary infection. Then another virus. More infection. A bout of pink eye, just for fun.  Another virus. My asthma goes haywire. Spring allergies start up. Well at least cold and flu season is over, right? Wrong!  The worst virus of them all strikes. These things are making a mess of me. I don’t enjoy smacking into these figurative walls any more than I imagine Bondo likes smacking into the literal one.

I keep coming back to the word steadfast that I chose as my focus word for the year. I wish I could say I haven’t been shaken by all this, but that wouldn’t be true. It’s been hard. Very hard. I am so weary of it all. The dictionary defintion of steadfastness is “resolutely firm and unwavering.” The word “resolutely” implies an action and a decision on my part. I can tell you that my heart isn’t steadfast by nature. I get frustrated with myself sometimes, feeling like after all these years it should be easier to react to my adversity with hope and trust, even joy and thankfulness. But it doesn’t feel any easier. It still takes a firm decision on my part to shift my gaze away from my circumstances and onto God, to push my fears aside, and to trust Him. To believe Him when He says He works all things together for my good, and that He loves me with an everlasting love. It takes resolve to be patient in suffering and persistant in prayer. And it’s not just a one-time resolution. Sometimes it’s a many-times-a-day resolution.

Loose screws or not, Bondo Bird has something to teach me. What keeps him coming back to that window?  He must expect that one of these times he’s going to get in, and it will be worth all the effort. And even in the midst of his struggle, he keeps right on singing his sweet song. That’s just what I need to do–stay hopeful and patiently persevere through this hard time, expecting that I will break through. And in the midst of my struggle, I need to keep a song in my heart.

This morning just the song I need came to my mind, a hymn from childhood I haven’t thought of in ages. It goes like this:

Oh Love that will not let me go, I rest my weary soul in Thee; I give Thee back the life I owe, that in Thine ocean depths its flow may richer, fuller be.

O Light that followest all my way, I yield my flickering torch to Thee; my heart restores its borrowed ray, that in Thy sunshine’s blaze its day may brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain, I cannot close my heart to Thee; I trace the rainbow through the rain, and feel the promise is not vain that morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head, I dare not ask to fly from Thee; I lay in dust, life’s glory dead, and from the ground there blossoms red, life that shall endless be.

~O Love That Will Not Let Me Go, George Matheson, 1882

I am held by God, and there is rest for my weary soul. There is light for my way, and joy in the midst of my struggles. There are rainbows to trace through the rain. There is joy and a promise of better days. I accept my struggles believing that through them flow blessings, and richness, and fullness of life. That’s my song.

bday2 (2)

Advertisements

Nothing That Has Happened So Far Has Been Anything We Could Control

Standard

Just when the end of cold and flu season was within sight. Just when the weather was finally starting to feel springlike. Just when we thought things were returning to normal.

Sick again.

We had spent a really fun, long weekend in Chicago a couple of weeks ago and Betsy held up great and we all had a blast. About a week after getting back, Lucas started coughing. Betsy and I were both trying to act unconcerned, but the truth is, we were. We were literally (because Lucas is still learning to cover his mouth when he coughs) and figuratively, holding our breaths, hoping that Betsy wouldn’t catch whatever bug that had befallen Lucas. And sure enough, by the weekend Betsy was down for the count. At first it was just a sore throat and sinus pressure. Then those initial symptoms gave way to respiratory difficulties. Betsy told me she noticed a change in her breathing.

Sigh.

IMG_0763 (1)

Spring, finally.

Of course that unleashed a whole wave of questions and concerns. Should we give Betsy’s body some time to fight off the virus on its own? When do we need call the doctor if at all? Would he want to prescribe antibiotics? Would he want Betsy to go on IV antibiotics (please no please no please no please no please no)? It’s a balancing act. For obvious reasons, we don’t want Betsy to take antibiotics haphazardly because we want her body to be responsive to them when she really needs them. On the other hand, we don’t want her to naively refrain from taking them if she really does need them, causing a minor infection to turn into something far worse.

In the end, she did call the doctor and he did prescribe a pretty lightweight oral antibiotic which he thinks will be enough to get Betsy back on her feet. She didn’t dodge the bullet completely but it could have been worse.

I nicked the title of this post from a song by Australian psych rockers Tame Impala (PSA: If you’ve never listened to them before, you should definitely check them out! My favorite album is Lonerism). I couldn’t think of a better way to sum up how I have been feeling about this latest bout with illness. We’ve been washing our hands, we’ve been trying to regulate Betsy’s activity, we’ve been making sure she has been getting as much sleep as possible and doing everything to minimize her exposure to the outside world, especially as she was coming off the steroids which we knew were probably suppressing her immune system. What else could we have done?

impala1

Wild impala.

TameImpala

Tame Impala.

One answer is nothing. Admittedly, it’s not one that I like. Probably the thing I struggle with the most is the feeling of helplessness. By nature I’m the sort of person that wants to try to prevent and protect. I wouldn’t say I’m paranoid (although Betsy might disagree) but I’m definitely über alert to any danger. When Lucas was learning to walk I remember carefully inspecting all of our furniture looking for dangerous corners that he might tumble into so that we could cover them with pads and cushions. I think subconsciously, I take a similar approach to Betsy’s health. Is there someone sniffling in the row behind us at church? Have any of her students been sick in the last month?

But alas, not everything can be prevented. And that leaves me feeling distressed and annoyed. I came across a benediction that appears at the end of 2 Thessalonians the other day:

Now may the LORD of peace himself give you peace at all times in every way.

I’ve been trying to keep this in mind. Because what I really need at times like this is peace. As much as I would like it to be otherwise, there are many things that are out of my control. There are things I can’t prevent. But I trust that Betsy’s health is in God’s hands. And knowing that gives me peace.

 

A Windy Weekend

Standard

Last weekend we got out of town and spent four days in the windy city of Chicago! It felt great to vacate for a bit. I’ve been on steroids for just over three weeks now. Steroids suppress the body’s immune response, and given the tough time I’ve had this year with staying healthy, I have been making a concerted effort to avoid situations where I might be exposed to germs. Translated, I’ve barely left the house. A weekend away was just what we needed!

We left midday on Friday and took the train. Lucas was very excited and spent the first hour looking out the window and all the farms and forests we passed by. Did I say Lucas? I meant Gnocchi the cat (a character on Curious George and Lucas’s current favorite alter ego).  “Gnocchi” was meowing pretty loudly while we were waiting for the train, but thankfully for the sake of the passengers around us, he quieted down once we boarded.

image

“Gnocchi”

Our conversation for the first hour went something like this:

L: Look Mommy! A forest!  Do bears live in those woods?

B: Probably not, bears usually live further north.

L: But I want them to live in there!

B: I guess it’s possible.

L: Ok, because I think they do. Mommy, look at the farm!  Do chickens peck people?

B: No, chickens peck on the ground for food.

L: But I want them to peck people!

B: I guess it’s possible….

L: Ok, because I think they do.

[conversation repeats nonstop with various scenarios for 30 minutes]

B: Lucas, do you want to play on the iPad?

L: No, I want to talk about farms and forests!

B: ………….

We arrived in time to get dinner and relax in the hotel for the evening. Saturday morning I was feeling pretty tired from the previous day’s travel (and conversations) so I stayed back while the boys went to the park. While they were gone I did nothing. Really. I laid on the bed and stared out the window. It was pretty great 🙂  Sometimes I feel sad when I’m too sick or tired to be a part of activities, but that morning I was feeling really thankful. Sure, if I had my way, I’d love to be healthy and energetic enough never to have to stay back. But there’s always the flip side of the coin.  Jaime and Lucas have a really special and close relationship, in part because of all the times that Jaime has taken care of Lucas without me, and the countless nights they’ve snuggled up together so I could sleep uninterrupted in a dark, quiet room, and all the adventures they go on to give me some rest time at home. It makes me happy to see their bond. What made Lucas happy that morning was walking by the river, running around like a little maniac, and getting a pigeon to eat out of his hand!

image

Walking by the river.

image

Joy! Energy! Enthusiasm!

image

Lucas feeding his pigeon friends.

Other highlights of the weekend included reading stacks of books and building with Legos at the library, visiting a zoo and farm with my sister and her family, a brief stop at the Magnificent Mile, and a full day spent at Chicago Children’s Museum. Lucas also successfully ate food from three different restaurants. That is what we like to call progress!

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I am so grateful that despite not feeling 100% back to baseline, I was able to go on this trip and withstand the rigors of the weekend. According to my Fitbit, I walked 18 miles and took nearly 42,000 steps during those four days.  I thank God for giving me the needed strength (and coffee)!

Yesterday I headed back to my CF clinic to check in with my doctor. My FEV1 was still at 37%, the same as when I went in three weeks ago. I would have been thrilled to see a higher number, but regardless, I am feeling so much better than I was three weeks ago. I’m sleeping better, coughing less, and having fewer headaches. The doctor said that the virus I was dealing with was strong and nasty, and of course in my situation, complicated by my CF and asthma. It will take more time to recover fully, but because of the progress I’ve made, I’m doing a final steroid taper and will be off in five days. Although I’m grateful for steroids, I’m very ready to be off. The flip side of that coin is pesky side effects like sleep interruptions, anxious feelings, and mood swings to name a few. (Jaime and Lucas are probably ready for me to be off too!) I hope and pray that the spring (if it ever gets here), will bring with it an increase in health, stamina, and lung function.

In the meantime I’m counting my blessings–like energy for a fun weekend away, my chattery four-year old, and a helpful husband to name a few.